I am facing a problem these days.
The more I study and try to understand and follow your Personality Development Program (PDP), the more resistance I face from my ownself. it is as if I am doing something and my innerself is not letting me do it…it is very angry…I try to press it down forcefully but its too strong for me….I fear that sometime I may react on my innerself and that reaction will be very severe.iam in inner pain…
this is not the only problem. there is another bigger problem coming forth. I feel that iam a very big sinner and I have done the more gravest of sins. I used to consider adultery as a very big sin, n now I come to understand that some sins of personality are even bigger than adultery. what good is it that if we save us from adultery n shirk and yet we indulge into graver sins? I am a hypocrite…many times I feel like this….I think I am a Muslim, but in real I am a hypocrite. fooling myself and others that I am a nice person…every good that I do, I do evil bigger than that…how can I ever re-pay that negative balance….Allah is forgiving, Allah will forgive ‘if I ask properly’ but I am such an arrogant person I cant even ask for forgiveness….I don’t even think I am wrong….it feels as if I am not a human, I am a satan in human disguise.
I feel there is so much to do and I am so little, weak n corrupted….I consider myself as a building whose foundations are faulty…how can a such a building correct its faults in foundation while standing??? I cannot re-live my childhood to correct the faults….I am a bad person all in all…what to do?
I think and want to have all the goodness in me…I try to adopt some of them….but then I realize that there are some things in my nature which will break me but not make me good….these things stand in front of me so very often that I wish to kill myself to save me n others from my own inner evil….what good am I when I am not useful?
Fee amaan Allah
Wa alaikum us salam wa Rahmatullah
Your feelings indicate that you’ve strong faith and you are not a hypocrite. All of us commit sins and even grave sins. Actually, it is a Satanic trap that he tries his best to create hopelessness in us. He focuses on negative sides of our personality and shows us a gloomy picture. Such feelings might be intensified because you are facing some personal problems.
The only thing you need is to rebuild your hope and focus more on your achievements in Allah’s way. Satan will try his best to convince you that you are faulty. You should reply to him that although I am on fault but my Lord is very forgiving. Seeking forgiveness is not a difficult matter. Your condition may be different at different times, so the ideal time to do so is when the satanic influence is not very strong.
Whenever you feel bored with the PDP, you can start reading something else e.g. a novel etc. Don’t give Satan a time to influence you.
Muhammad Mubashir Nazir
Don’t hesitate to share your questions and comments. They will be highly appreciated. I’ll reply as soon as possible if I know the answer. Send at firstname.lastname@example.org.