Dear brother Aslam U Alakum,
This question is related to family affairs, and in depth related to training and development of kids and children.
I have one son and two daughters. My son is eldest and he is 4.5 years old. Second is the daughter she is 2.5 years old and newborn daughter she is only 2.5 months old.
The problem is with my daughter in the middle. She is started problems when the third baby was born She feels jealousy with the baby a lot and now with her brother also. She feels, even if speak to any of other kid. if i get something at for her brother, baby sister or even for her mother she feels it. She started loosing weight and her growth has stopped.
Initially i was not much worried about this because i was considering this as a normal matter. But its really serious and much worried about her and in the mean while my wife and my self dont want her to carry this habbit of feeling jealous in her rest of life. I think this is purely Psychic problem. But we dont know how to handle her. And how to get her back to normality with our behaviours. Because i have tried lots of thing. I tried to make her understand by speaking wit her. By providing her similar things that i provide to other kids. i tired to provide her more love but she always feels a lot.
For example, last night we were travelling in car towards a market. In way my son was standing on the back seat and i was looking him in the mirror and i called him as “Beta” and uttered few words ” like he is my best beta”. Then Later after few minute i realized that my daughter started not to take interest any thing and she is siting on side of seat with a sad mode. then whole night she remain like that. In morning i came to know that she was have mode like because i was speaking with love to my son.
Can you please suggest any thing special that i can adopt for her. Or we can treat her in good manner?
Wa alaikum us salam wa Rahmatullah
I suggest the following course of action:
1. The child who has enjoyed exclusive attention of his/her parents usually faces this problem when a new baby is born and attention of the parents especially the mother is diverted towards the new-born.
2. Some children are less sensitive so they don’t care but others are very sensitive on this issue.
3. What we guess in your case is that attention of your wife diverted to the newborn (may be partial) and your elder daughter felt herself ignored, so she is behaving in this way. It might be a wrong perception but everyone acts on his/her perception and not necessarily on reality.
4. The best way to treat her is to give her full attention. Your wife can do so while the newborn is sleeping. Such attention should be so intense that it should compensate not giving her attention while the newborn is awake. She has to play that in such a way that the newborn should also not be ignored as giving attention at this age helps in good growth of children.
5. You and your wife should whisper in the ear of elder daughter everyday at least once at different time that “you are the most important and beloved child of us”. Also, tell her why she is important by telling her positive attributes. It should be done privately so that your elder son is not affected. Similarly, you should do so with your son as well so that he also may not feel ignored.
6. Give individual time to each of your child separately for discussing their special problems.
7. In the long run, you should convince your each child that other children also have rights and if we don’t give them such right, Allah will make you and them accountable. Try to develop a sense of sacrifice and love for other children. You can get advantage of some cartoon movies etc. on this issue. This should not be started now, you can do so, say after one month, after giving her full attention.
I hope this approach will help.
Muhammad Mubashir Nazir
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